Where do I even start?
Talking to parents about issues such as racism, privilege, or colorism is hard. It’s difficult to figure out how to approach the conversation, while also keeping your emotions in check.
Just thinking about having this conversation with your parents, take a moment to check in with yourself: how do you feel?
Revisit the emotion wheel to identify why you are feeling this way, and to address the topics before you have the talk.
Looking for advice on where to start? Check out this interview with Ijeoma Oluo (author of best selling title, So You Want to Talk About Race) and NPR to learn about the dynamics of talking with your parents.
When talking about the importance of the Black Lives Movement, Oluo says that:
Boiled down, Oluo urges you to approach the conversation with empathy. It’s great that you have decided to educate yourself and work towards creating equality for Black people, but think about what brought you to this point of allyship, what urged you to change your behavior, and share that story.
"I feel like I need to talk with my parents, but I’m scared of how they will react."
Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
In a study done by Pew Research, only 50% of white adults talk to their parents about racism.
When considering how to approach the conversation, therapist Elizabeth McCorvey recommended in her interview with Insider to:
“I think it starts with knowing what your own tolerances for those kinds of conversations are. If you know that you need to be breathing throughout, [do that]," she said. "But ultimately there's not going to be a pretty way to do it, especially if they're resistant family members. You might have to prepare to be disagreed with, or vilified, or have people's feelings get hurt.”
Throughout your conversation, you may need to remind yourself that you can only control yourself, and not your parents or other Boomers.
What are some things to consider when talking to my parents?
#1: Consider your tone
Albert Brown, a Minneapolis based psychologist recommends:
#2: Use “I” Statements
Monica Denais, Dallas based therapist, recommends changing the conversation from attacking their behaviors, and framing your thoughts as your own:
#3: Actively Listen
Tania Israel, a professor in the department of counseling, clinical and school psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, identifies the importance of being open to hearing other’s points of view:
#4: Set expectations, take a break, and stop talking when you feel like you can’t converse respectfully
No matter who you are talking with, it’s important to remember that:
What are some topics I might have to talk to Baby Boomers about?
“All Lives Matter”
When talking to conservatives, you will often hear “All Lives Matter” as a rebuttal to “Black Lives Matter.”
But why?
As a demographic, we as white people are used to seeing the world through a white lens.
We can see people from our race broadly represented is social media, campaign ads, movies, corporate training, and on cereal boxes. We do what is called “white centering.” Layla Saad defines “white centering” as:
That felt heavy to read (because it is.)
At this moment, you may be saying to yourself, “I don’t white center! I participate in diversity training at work and have a lot of Black friends. How could it be centering it on myself if I live a diverse life?
Take it from Ijeoma Olou, who writes about her experiences conducting diversity training and organizations:
Does this hit home? It should.
So let’s get back to “All Lives Matter.” Why is this an inappropriate substitute for “Black Lives Matter”?
Matthew Wilson, an African American of Carbondale who sits on the board of the Boys & Girls Clubs of Southern Illinois. Wilson said that fighting for racial equality for black people does not mean that their lives are more valued than others – it means there’s a problem in America with systemic racism that specifically affects African Americans, and it needs to be addressed. “We’re not saying black lives only matter,” he said. “We’re saying black lives matter, also – period.”
Scott Loken
“I hate rap music, why do Black people talk like that?”
If you’ve ever been in a car with your mother, and a rap song comes on the radio, you might have had to turn the station off because of a comment like,
“Why do they talk like that? Turn that off, we don’t talk like that in this family.”
If you’ve heard this before, you’re not alone. So how do you address it?
Did you know?
Watch this video by @_sunny_laluzby with your parents and have a conversation about it. Talk through questions like:
Now that we know there is a name to the language the Black people use, what do you think about African-American Vernacular English?
What about this dialect bothers you? Visit the emotion wheel together and identify the actual emotion that they are feeling, and then talk about WHY they feel that way. By identifying specific behaviors, it will be easier to make actionable goals that can lead to sustainable change!
“I’m colorblind, I don’t see a person’s color.”
Beverly Daniel Tatum explains why people of color want to be seen:
Why it’s offensive:
The intention is inclusive, but people of color are saying their color and identity matter and impact how they experience the world. But the statement is offensive because it could indicate that you aren’t listening to or are dismissing what people of other races are telling you.
Sometimes this remark comes from people who lived during a time when recognizing race meant segregation and discrimination, Helsel said.
What to say:
“We need to try different tactics because saying we’re colorblind doesn’t acknowledge the implicit bias that still goes on and the systemic laws and policies that have made life harder for African Americans and other people of color to feel like they’re able to fully survive and thrive. To say, ‘I’m colorblind’ is to dismiss, ignore and make invisible the pain and suffering of people of color.”
“I love the 4th of July!”
Many of us have great memories of celebrating the 4th of July with our families, but it’s time for us to address the implications that come along with it. While we celebrate it as our Day of Independence in America, we have to remember that on July 4, 1776, Black people were still forced into slavery.
Have a conversation with your parents about these images, using conversation starters like:
Let’s imagine the @lecrae’s photo above was actually of our white ancestors. How would this make you and your parents feel?
Watch this video about Juneteenth. Talk with your parents about what independence means to them, and how they feel celebrating a day where not all men were free. Start a conversation where you share your takeaways, and agree on a way you can honor Juneteenth together next year.
Watch this video starring Daveed Diggs from Hamilton and penned by an award-winning collective of Black writers, where Diggs revises Frederick Douglass’ iconic question.
What can I do after my first conversation with my parents?
Above anything else, you can commit to unlearning racism together. Continue to educate each other, read Black authors, amplify Black voices, and commit to growing.
Read “White Fragility” together and have periodic discussions with the author’s discussion guide
Watch this 5 minute video about systemic racism together and talk about your experiences growing up
Have your parents take the Implicit Bias test developed at Harvard University
Action Items for Change
Looking to immediately impact your behaviors and make changes that are permanent and lasting? In order to continue learning and growing with your parents, try the following:
In the next week, have 1 follow up conversation with your parents about how they are viewing information in the media.
Look for: more tolerance, understanding, empathy
In the next 2 weeks, ask your parents to share one article with you about Black Lives Matter, and encourage them to discuss what they learned.
In the next month, encourage your parents to buy a product from a company that is Black/Brown owned.