Empathy

What is empathy?

According to Mental Health America, empathy is defined as

“the ability to not only understand another’s feelings but also to become one with that person’s distress”

Some examples of situations where you experience empathy might be:

• A Friend Fails a Test

  Imagine you are a student and a friend in your class has just failed a major test or exam. Your friend is distraught because she studied really hard and still failed. Even though you got a good grade on this test, you remember what it is like to fail. You don't try to fix things for your friend. Instead, you make an empathetic statement like, "I'm so, so sorry about your grade. I know how hard you studied and how disappointed you must feel."

• Patient in Pain

  You work at a clinic and an older woman comes in complaining of knee pain. She has arthritis in both knees. There are many practical solutions you can offer to help, but you also choose to show empathy. You can do this by reflecting her situation in your tone and words, such as, "I know it must be really difficult to go about your normal life with this pain. Let's see what we can do to help."

• Putting an Animal to Sleep

  People can show empathy to other species too. Imagine your beloved dog is dying. You try to keep her happy and comfortable for as long as possible, but a day comes when she is in too much pain to enjoy her life. You take her to the vet and have her put to sleep. This is a choice made out of empathy.

What role does empathy play for white people?

Let’s put empathy in the context of racism in perspective:

You turn on the television and see breaking news announcing that a woman, Breonna Taylor, was killed in her sleep in Louisville.  You feel sad about this, but tell yourself that Black people are accustomed to this type of news.  You know that other people are working on change around this, and you post a passive meme about it on your Instagram in between selfies and video reviews about things you’ve recently purchased on Amazon.

As the week goes by, you forget about Breonna Taylor and life returns to normal.  You visit your local Starbucks, watch reality shows on the Bravo network, and stress out about your kitchen renovation.

About a month later, you turn on the television to see that the local news of Newtown, Connecticut has just seen a massive school shooting by Adam Lanza.  You know families that lost their children, and are beside yourself about your highschool friend whose life was taken from them while shielding their students with their bodies.  You are outraged, and demand change.  Life, priorities, and safety will be different from this point moving forward.

Let’s pause.

What do you notice here?  What differences exist between the two situations?  Let’s break it down:

• It has become normalized to see violence against Black people in the news.  Living in an affluent, predominantly White neighborhood (re: take a moment to consider present-day segregation in cities like Chicago) can create a bubble that makes you see racism, but not feel affected by racism.

• It often takes a moment of direct, personal impact to feel affected by something.  Many of us are guilty of only taking issue up when we, or someone we care for, are hurting (If you have memory of it, go back to your emotions during the 9/11 tragedies).

• Empathy is largely selective, and it’s been proven scientifically in a study done by Forgiarini, Gallucci, Maravita.  Forgiarini et. al,  write that by  “measuring participants’ physiological arousal, we found that Caucasian observers reacted to pain suffered by African people significantly less than to pain of Caucasian people.” 

As a white person, there is a high likelihood that you are living in the Comfort Zone concerning racism specifically.  Check out this visual and take the associated assessment to identify where you land on the spectrum.

Let’s try a timely exercise together.

Robert Bell Wilkins, previously of Stanford, wrote a piece for reflection to address the murder of George Floyd:

If you are not black and want to begin to understand a fraction of the black experience, start by imagining going to the grocery store 6 months ago.

Did you worry about forgetting a mask? About clearing your throat or sneezing in public? About touching a cart with your bare hands or staying 6 feet away from the nearest person? Probably not, and if you went back to your past-self and told them the current reality, they'd probably think you were joking. But the pandemic has made a grocery run-- something that should be safe and unremarkable-- a task clouded with danger. In all likelihood, you will be fine...but the risk is still there, weighing on you in every aisle.

This is the black experience. That slight, inescapable anxiety that even the most mundane experiences can go very, very wrong for reasons outside your control. It's stressful, unfair, and, over the course of a lifetime, absolutely exhausting. I personally am too tall and dark to really feel comfortable in public spaces or at home (!!!), and the people we've lost are examples why. I am so touched by those who have reached out and stepped up over the past week, surrounding me with love and light.

We, as a society, are going through an unfathomable period of grief because of the pandemic. Now, as we sit at home with no sports or live entertainment to distract us, we also have to confront the racial dynamics that have strained this country from the start. I am determined to work through this with grace and solidarity and love, and I am always here to talk if people want to become allies but don't know where to start.

Empathy in real life

Take a few minutes to watch this animated video about empathy vs. sympathy.

Recipe for improving your empathy

Did you know that empathy is something that you can improve if you work on it? Dr. Jill Suttie writes about Helen Reiss (who focuses on empathy in healthcare, proves that empathy is important in all facets of our lives- ESPECIALLY when fulfilling your responsibility as an ally) who identified an easy way to be mindful of your allyship.

Suttie makes an important distinction that we often get wrong, noting that empathy and sympathy are similar, but very different. Focusing on how you relate to someone else is a key distinction, and says:

“Many confuse empathy (feeling with someone) with sympathy (feeling sorry for someone), and even researchers who study it have muddied the waters with many definitions. But Riess does a good job of untangling that and explaining the many dimensions of empathy. Empathy, she writes, involves an ability to perceive others’ feelings (and to recognize our own emotions), to imagine why someone might be feeling a certain way, and to have concern for their welfare. Once empathy is activated, compassionate action is the most logical response.”

Use the EMPATHY acronym as outlined below when you’re in situations that require empathy:

E: Eye contact. An appropriate level of eye contact makes people feel seen and improves effective communication. Riess recommends focusing on someone’s eyes at least long enough to gauge eye color, and making sure you are face to face when communicating.

M: Muscles in facial expressions. As humans, we often automatically mimic other people’s expressions without even realizing it. By being able to identify another’s feelings—often by distinctive facial muscle patterns—and mirroring them, we can help communicate empathy.

P: Posture. Sitting in a slumped position can indicate a lack of interest, dejection, or sadness; sitting upright signals respect and confidence. By understanding what postures communicate, we can take a more open posture—face forward, legs and arms uncrossed, leaning toward someone—to encourage more open communication and trust.

A: Affect (or emotions). Learning to identify what another is feeling and naming it can help us better understand their behavior or the message behind their words.

T: Tone. “Because tone of voice conveys over 38 percent of the nonverbal emotional content of what a person communicates, it is a vital key to empathy,” writes Riess. She suggests matching the volume and tone of the person you are talking to and, generally, using a soothing tone to make someone feel heard. However, when a person is communicating outrage, moderating your tone—rather than matching theirs—is more appropriate.

H: Hearing. Too often, we don’t truly listen to one another, possibly because of preconceptions or simply being too distracted and stressed. Empathic listening means asking questions that help people express what’s really going on and listening without judgment.

Y: Your response. Riess is not talking about what you’ll say next, but how you resonate with the person you are talking to. Whether or not we’re aware of it, we tend to synch up emotionally with people, and how well we do it plays a role in how much we understand and like them.

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